Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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