I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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