Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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