mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
