Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
