look no pants
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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