So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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