So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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