I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
