dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
