I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
