This is not my ceiling
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
