You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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