If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
