I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
