Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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