Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
