I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
