Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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