The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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