I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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