Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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