12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
