fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I am naked and annoyed.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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