isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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