Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
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Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
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This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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