Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
