True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
