First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
