I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
