Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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