I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
