He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
foreskin is a definite game changer
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
