i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize