omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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