Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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