I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
