my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
