Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
