On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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