I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
