i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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