Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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