there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Is Oprah even human
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
