Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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