yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Shame - the story of my life.
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