my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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