I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He had one of those small greek statue penises
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
