In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can't turn off my feet"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
