Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
