He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
