I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
this hospital has no fireball
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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