i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
