You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Randomize
