Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
