her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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