I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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