I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
