dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
