i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
