i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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